Sunday, January 3, 2010

Remembering...


"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. " ~Gilda Radner
Now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over, I'm taking a moment to remember...

Mother's Day 2005. The day I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Due date: January 13, 2006.

January 10, 2006. The day I delivered our first child...stillborn.

The Christmas season of 2005 holds alot of memories for that pregnancy. Although, we hadn't moved into our Seaborn home, we were getting close. The hardwood floors had been refinished and the basement family room had been carpeted. When Hubby wasn't working at his full-time job, he was working on our dream home. He gave the lower-level bath a makeover until the main bath was finished and painted the two main bedrooms.

One of my favorite memories of that holiday season occured on the Eve of Christmas 2005, when Hubby came home after working afternoon shift. He insisted that I go with him, just as I was. He wanted to give me my Christmas gift. So dressed in my long nightgown and wool slippers, we headed to Seaborn so he could assemble the baby's crib.

I'll never forget that Christmas and how exciting it was. What better gift is there than the gift of life? Wanting to fully engage in the joy and experience of expecting, we opted NOT to find out the sex of our unborn child. I wanted a girl and Hubby wanted a boy. Prepared for either, our girl name was Morgan Rose and our boy name was Owen Allan. Who would be right?
Only time would tell. Until then Hubby and I continued to share our hopes and dreams for our baby. Buying Seaborn was only the beginning...



You see that sidewalk out front, I envisioned myself teaching our little one how to ride the retro red tricycle on that very sidewalk. While Hubby wanted to pull him or her, a whoooole block and a half down our Maple-lined street, to the county fair in a little red wagon. Both the radio flyer tricycle and red wagon were my gifts to our unborn child.
Those were just some of our dreams for our baby. It did not include our hopes of taking him or her to Disney World for the first time and watching their little eyes light up in awe of Magic Kingdom. Or perhaps the sweetest and most simplest of hopes...gently rocking our baby to sleep, touching their soft skin or smelling their sweet baby scent.
A few weeks after we buried our baby, I found a song called My Name by George Canyon. Written from the perspective of an unborn child who dies and goes to heaven, it was perfect! I couldn't have written something more befitting of my experience. This song was just what I needed to hear..that my baby felt loved!
Our baby's name was Morgan Rose.
Sincerely, Lisa

Thankful on a Tuesday at Chatting at the Sky

20 comments:

  1. Lisa,
    That was a beautifully written post. Morgan Rose is smiling down on you and your family.
    Jane

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  2. What a beautiful post lisa. Wishing you and yours all brand new memories in 2010 and the ability to hold on to old ones too...Peace !

    bunny

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  3. Lisa, Thanks for stopping by and a Happy New Year to you and yours! I've enjoyed catching up on your blog today. This post was so moving. I have a daughter named Morgan and lost one named Madison. I feel your pain. May you feel the love returned. Sounds like you're a wonderful mother. Blessings!
    Tammy

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  4. Oh the tears are just streaming down.

    Mr. Decor and I lost two babies before sweet boy was born and still to this day (9 or more years ago) I will sometimes think "Oh, he/she would have been, done, etc."

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  5. Wow what I post. I just found your blog and I'm already teary up.

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I recently had a miscarriage so I can sort of understand a little of how you may be feeling. We found out a week before Christmas that they baby didn't have a heartbeat. I was around 8 weeks along. I wasn't pregnant for a long time, but we had wanted a baby for over a year so I already had a future planned for this baby. It was heartbreaking and made the holidays a bit difficult for me.

    I'll be thinking of you.

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  6. What a lovely post and tribute to little Morgan Rose. Wishing you all of the best in this coming year...

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  7. Thinking of you, knowing your pain. Held by Natalie Grant has always been a great song for me.

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  8. Oh, Lisa...that post made me cry. I have two precious toddlers and I cannot imagine the sorrow of losing a baby or going through a pregnancy that did not have a happy ending. My first son was born in January and I remember the excitement at anticipation at Christmas.

    You are so brave to share this with whoever wants to read it and I'm sure it will touch many. I hope the Lord will give you a healthy baby in His good and perfect time.

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  9. Lovely remembrance and sorrowful hearts healing even though ... may your circle always be unbroken with this deep acceptance of profound life-changing loss. I learned from early miscarriages and an eleven-week ultrasound with bad news that naming and celebrating their spirits with gratitude for being chosen to carry them, even a little way, made all the difference. She dances still, with you.

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  10. Oh Lisa. I am sorry that you went through that. I don't think I can say anything more eloquent than Susan above me. Alexa is a Jan. baby, and while I was pregnant with her, a friend gave birth to a full-term stillborn baby. I thought at the time that I would not have been strong enough to exist after such sorrow. You are a strong lady and I agree with everyone, that one day you will meet her again. Hugs.

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  11. I was driving to your home and remembered preparing our lives to share with Morgan. In the same moment, I imagined the voice of God asking Morgan to stay with Him in eternity. I thought of her beauty, perfection that the Creator would extend such an invitation to my grand child and it helped. She would have been 4 years old.

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  12. P. S. I forgot to say thank you for sharing that beautiful post.

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  13. Absolutely beautiful and raw...all wrapped up into one well written post. Thank you for opening your home and now your heart.

    Love you!!

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  14. Lisa,
    I am so, so sorry friend that these past years have held grief and tears for you. My miscarriage remains one of the most devastating events in my life, so I can only imagine the pain you have had to endure. Thank you for being brave and sharing your trials with us. Burdens are so much easier when carried by many. May this new decade bring joy, peace, comfort, happiness and many blessings to you and your family.

    Beth

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  15. Lisa,
    Thanks for stopping by and leaving your sweet comment. I just read your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't say I know how you feel because I've never had to deal with such a loss. I'm sure it was painful (still is). I hope you've had a multiple of blessings since. I'm a very emotional person, and I feel like I know you after reading this. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful heartfelt story.
    Many Blessings,
    Michelle

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  16. Lisa,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I know that must have been the most difficult time of your life. I know the pain of losing a parent, but I know that losing a child is an even deeper pain. I praise God for giving you three blessings, for I know that Morgan will always be such a big part of your story. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post.
    God bless you,
    Traci

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  17. Thank you for allowing me to open my heart. Your thoughtful words serve to remind me that the load is lessened when shared by many. Lisa

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  18. Lisa-
    Thank you for sharing your story. I have two blogs- one where I blog about fixing up our house and DIY projects, and one where I blog about losing our son, Lane, on May 27, 2009 at 37 weeks.
    I started my blog about Lane for that exact reason. "the load is lessened when shared by many".

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  19. Thank you for sharing that. I can only imagine the heartache you must be feeling even now. You will see your Morgan Rose again one day.

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