God is in Control

Okay so I learned another valuable lesson today. God's time is not our time.

I don't talk alot about my faith, but I'm a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. I have been most of my life. I went to christian school as a teen and got my Master's degree from a Seminary. The last job I held before giving birth to our angelbaby was a counselor at a local church.

Yet, I still have to be reminded that control is an ILLUSION, I am NOT in control of my life. That was the hardest lesson I had to learn after we lost our precious Morgan. Why God, why me? I did things the right way. I don't understand why this is happening to me? We wanted that baby. She was loved, she was cherished.

Months after our loss, I was a substitute therapist for a short term therapy group. On my first day I met a young lady who was a recovering crack addict. She was mother to a beautiful baby girl around the same age as Morgan would have been. Throughout her preganancy she did crack, heroin and even prostitiuted herself. Yet when asked about her baby, who had no apparent problems, she replied, "my baby was spared because I asked God to watch over her". I was so angry; not with her, but with God. Didn't I pray enough. What did I do wrong?

I don't know why things happen. I've spent the better part of four years searching for answers. I no longer say "everything happens for a reason". Personally, I've come to accept that LIFE just happens and it's up to us to give purpose or meaning to that experience in OUR life.

For me, the reason Morgan happened, was to give me a fresh start. Remind me what life is about. Living. Life to the Fullest. Taking no day for granted. Chasing my dreams and perhaps making a fool of myself along the way.

Each time I write a post about my angelbaby {on a blog about decorating} I take a chance of making a fool of myself. But, for me that's part of the process. THIS process of becoming myself; the self...GOD sees.

As long as I'm alive, I will continue to talk about Morgan. She was my daughter and if I don't, no one will. Simply put, her life changed mine.

Now the point to all this....Since High School, I wanted to be a nurse but I chose a different career path because I didn't think I was smart enough to get through nursing school. Four months ago, I applied to my alma mater's nursing program and was rejected declined a seat due to low math and science scores. After that, I decided it was time to accept my lot and look for a counseling job when my oldest son starts school.

God reminded that things happen in HIS time. Today, I received a letter of acceptance to the spring nursing program. Funny thing, I don't remember applying.

I believe God is directing my path, but I'm overwhelmed with all the details. I'm prayerful that things will work out. I have eight weeks until class starts...

Sincerely, Lisa